The Good
Where to begin? I’ll start with the glory of sleeping in. I can wake up WITHOUT an alarm clock, without feeling like I need to rush to be somewhere at a certain time. I can spend the morning scrolling through the news or Instagram. When I feel like it, I can brush my teeth. Then I can start my day, or just crawl back into bed under the cozy warm covers. I can put on regular clothes or keep wearing my PJs. I’ll be home all day anyways. I guess another way to title the post is: “Life Before Having Kids.”
Another great perk is that Sunday nights aren’t a bummer anymore. While other people sigh at the thought of another work week, I get to pleasantly remind myself, “Oh, there’s no work tomorrow!” And I’m starting to love Mondays. Mondays are the start of a new adventure – time to myself, time to wander, and do whatever I want. My math teacher also described his newly retired life like this. He would drive down the road, see an interesting sign or place, and have the luxury of time to stop and pursue whatever caught his interest. I guess I could have also called this post: “What it Feels Like to be Retired.”
On the topic of weekdays, I love being out and about when everyone else is at work. Things are quieter in the neighborhood. I can zoom through the empty roads and green streetlights. There are no lines to check out at the supermarkets and malls. I get in and out efficiently. I arrive at home and slam the door shut before the rush hour mayhem begins outside.
With a slower life, there’s plenty of time to savor and be more present in each moment. If I’m meeting up with someone to catch up, I can fully enjoy that person’s company without feeling like I need to tend to my TODO list immediately afterwards.
Before you start hating me with envy, I better move onto the next section.
The Bad
I love good food, trying out new restaurants, and drinking overpriced coffee beverages (refer to last blogpost). But since the income isn’t flowing in, I try to reel in those extra expenses. Ah well. That’s what boyfriends are for, right? 😉
Remember that whole part about having lots of time while other people at work? Well, sometimes, I want to actually hang out with those people! On days when I am really bored, I may try to convince them to take a day off or call in sick. 😛 I do have some friends who work nighttime/weekend shifts, so sometimes they’re free during the day. In addition, I have been meeting more retired folks, and they’ve got fountains of knowledge to share. Ironically, they’re also facing similar questions: What to do with life and all this time? Imagine that, after a lifetime of a rewarding career, they’re still pondering the same things as me! It certainly puts things into perspective.
Without work, there isn’t a clear purpose to each day. Time flies by too fast – especially if you take a lot of naps. 😛 Frankly, sometimes nothing gets done. Because you didn’t have any specific goals or work you absolutely have to get done that day, it can feel like a waste. (Although, I somehow managed to turn in my taxes on time!)
Alright, let’s keep on sliding on down into the even more glum aspects of unemployment.
The Ugly
You can no longer hide behind the excuse that you’re too busy with work to do something. This is where you have to face the raw reality underneath it all. You tried to distract yourself from dealing with certain issues, but if there ever was a time to deal with it, it unfortunately is now.
There is the physical stuff you don’t want to deal with – cleaning and maintaining a home, taking care of a car, going to doctor/dentist/eye doctor appointments.
And of course, there is the emotional stuff you didn’t want to deal with. There’s lots to be said on this, but for one, I know that I could be less critical of myself. It was primarily my own unreasonably high standards that previously trapped me into crazy work schedules. 🙁 Rejiggering the expectations on my life and work has been a tumultuous journey. If I can’t fit exercise into my life when I don’t have a job, what type of choices am I making about my health? Oy vey.
Guilt also rears its enormously ugly head. Sometimes people (although well-intentioned) may nudge you to “go get a job” for the sake of security and because “that’s what you’re supposed to be doing.” It can feel like there’s an enormous ticking time bomb next to you to figure out what you want.
Oh, and there’s another ticking bomb that is finances. There’s nothing like seeing your bank account go on a steady decline to give you the anxious jitters. It can keep you up all night wondering “What if X or Y terrible thing happens?” Or “What if I run out of savings and I still haven’t figured out what I want? Would this all be a waste?” These questions occasionally plague my mind and suck up all my energy that could be spent elsewhere. I try to quell those pointless “what if” thoughts, until they creep back into my mind again.
Before quitting my job, I wrote up a spending plan to make sure I had enough saved up. The big question was “How much is enough?” How much money should you save up before you begin to allow yourself the freedom to figure out what makes you a happy and balanced person? While there is no numerical hard and fast rule, I found myself feeling that I finally had “enough” to start moving to the next stage of life. Hmm but as time passes, it’s still hard to be sure that I really saved up “enough.”
Last Words
I’d like to emphasize how extremely blessed I feel each day to be able to take a break from work. Even though I am getting more sleep, I try to be intentional with my time. I spend an enormous amount of time looking at job postings, researching things, reading books, watching videos, and attending events that could be relevant to my future career.
I’ve tried to come around on all these seemingly “negative” aspects of unemployment, and I realize that all of these challenges are opportunities for me to grow and embrace the uncertainty of life. No day is ever a waste. I’m learning to separate what other’s think of me with what I know is best for me. The most precious things we have in life are time and attention. If financial situations allow, we can give ourselves the space to ponder what we truly want, without feeling guilty about it.
The haze of my future gets cloudier on some days compared to others. The question, of whether the basic needs in my life will be covered, can only be answered at each passing moment. This is how I’ve learned to deal with the fact that there are no guarantees in the future: I continually learn that I need complete faith in God (not 80% faith, but 100% faith), that He will provide everything I need at the right time in the right place. Sigh, so hard to put into practice.
Before deciding to leave my job, I kept getting the vision of me standing at a cliff. I had two choices. I could either stay on the cliff where it was safe and familiar. Or I could jump, and the only thing preventing me from shattering to the ground in a million pieces is believing that God will catch me. So here I am, free-falling, and not having any idea where or when I will land.
What’s the next step?
Well, I think a mid-morning nap is a good place to start. 😛
