This is a hard post for me to write. But a part of me likes being challenged to be honest with myself and to the world, so here’s my best attempt at finding words to express myself.
If you’re new to my blog, I left my job to start a business (see Reflection on Leaving Google).
One of the hardest things is to figure out who I am and what I want in life. And for me, that can also trigger feelings of guilt.
If a friend told me they were feeling guilty for having the chance to leave their job and have time to figure out what they want in life, I would encourage them not to feel guilty. So on the obvious level, I shouldn’t feel guilty. But my subconscious mind can still hold onto those feelings.
I wanted to write this article because I don’t think this topic of guilt is acknowledged much in the media / literature on entrepreneurship.
SEEING EVERYONE ELSE OVERWORKED AND STRESSED
Being around other people in Silicon Valley and witnessing their overbooked, overstressed, and overworked lives – trapped in demanding jobs because of all their bills / debt, made me feel guilty that I was free from that (at least temporarily). I mean, I have my own stresses and problems, but I would say our struggles are different.
Anyways, it made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough and wasting time “enjoying” life, when others were working their a$$es off. It made me scared that I’d have later regrets for enjoying my life in this moment, and wishing I had worked harder and self-sacrificed now. For some reason, I also felt like I must partake in their suffering, otherwise I would be falling behind in life. Weird, I know.
I knew that comparing myself to other people’s lives wasn’t a good idea. I knew that enjoying life in the present is all we can do. But the guilt still lingered.
GUILTY THOUGHTS
A lot of my guilt was around the thought, “Why do I get this opportunity (and this time in my life) to chase my dreams? And why do others not?” It would make me shrink back because I couldn’t fully accept this opportunity or think I deserved this chance.
The best way I was able to overcome this thought is through this poem by Marianne Williamson called “Our Deepest Fear.” This is my favorite poem, so I highly recommend that you read it. I printed it out on paper (archaic, I know) and put it by my bedside so I could read it and absorb the words.
In the poem, she actually says “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Which is very similar to the questions that were circling in my head.
Her response in the poem is, “Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.”
Well damn. I guess that’s the answer.
The journey in dealing with this guilt was a long process and more complex than just reading a single poem, but this poem helped me reach a turning point.
NEW THOUGHTS
I try to see this time in my life as a gift from God – an opportunity to break the bad habits of my old life and create a life on my own terms. I try to see it as I got this opportunity and I’ve got to take a hold of it and run for as long as I have this opportunity.
Here’s another thought that helped me.
It’s this mental image of a big globe. And all these people on the earth, who are standing on different parts of the globe. (I should really sketch this out at some point.) And they’re each given a different path for their life that extends outwards from the globe in different directions. Yet these people don’t realize that everyone’s path is different and going in their own direction – the beautiful uniqueness of each person. Instead, they try to look at each other, they get competitive, and try to travel someone else’s path and follow that person’s steps – neglecting their own path that God had laid out especially for them. So I think the lesson is to follow our own path, and not get distracted by the paths other people are on. We all encounter pain and suffering along the way, but in different ways. And it’s not productive to take on someone else’s pain that was meant for them to learn from.
The guilt has waned over time as I’ve read more, talked to more people, and reflected more. It doesn’t bother me as much, but that was a mental mountain to climb. Just like I’ve been trying to declutter to get rid of things that don’t serve me in my life, I’m trying to let go of the thoughts that don’t serve me. And guilt for sure does not help me at all.
Guilt holds us back from embracing all that we can be. Guilt can clip our wings and ground us, when all our soul really wants to do is spread its wings and fly in all its beautiful glory.
